Updated: Jul 8, 2018
From the outside, it’s easy for someone to think that somebody’s got it all figured out; because I’m dressed well, and have a smile on my face, I must not have a care in the world. Some people believe that if you can’t see the problem, it’s not really there. That since the demons are only hurting you from the inside, and there are no visible scars or blood, it must not be that serious of an issue. So we learn how to fake it, how to put on a smile for everyone else, so nobody feels obligated to try and solve the problem, or even comfort us. Most people don’t like to talk about the tough stuff, honestly, I don’t even like to talk about the tough stuff, but here I go.
I have anxiety. It feels as though every cell in my body had an extra shot of espresso in the morning. The same heart that beats everyday, starts to beat faster, louder, and makes you feel like your chest is about to burst. I can hear the heartbeat in every part of me, reminding me that something is off. I hear bees in my ears, that, or the constant sound of my voice critiquing things about me that one shouldn’t even care about. The buzz is constant, as if someone left a radio inside of me, on a station that never existed. All the good words that people have spoken about me vanish, and all I am left with is every negative word that has ever been uttered about myself, by myself, or by others. Others, others who claim that the only reason they say such hurtful things is because they love you, but little do they know that those words are forever stuck to the back of my eyelids, never letting me forget them. As all this is happening, I don’t even realize that I am grinding my teeth, or clenching my fist, completely cut off from the world for those few seconds.
They might think I’m avoiding eye contact, or that I’m not interested in what they have to say. In reality, every word that comes out of there mouth is masked by my own voice, speaking even louder in my mind. I sit there, hoping that you can’t hear the loud thoughts in my head, and that I don’t come out and say something I’ll regret. The fear of being rejected, not accepted, or even neglected is so large that it leads me to not say anything at all. So I sit there, quiet. Although, others would say that quiet is that last word they would use to describe me, if they only knew how loud it was in my head, they would know that the words I speak are barely a whisper. But for them, I learned how to whisper. They’ll call you a loudmouth, but they’ll also say you’re lazy. Little do they know, that the only reason you’re still in bed is, because you can’t bare to add more voices on top of the ones already blasting in your ears.
When it’s all happening, I imagine my feet are moving faster than what God has allowed. That for some reason, although everything else is in fast forward, the sixty seconds that are given to us in a minute may never fucking end. None of it makes sense, it didn’t add up in high school mathematics, and it’s not adding up now. I can’t solve the problem, let alone find the square root of it, because most of the time there is no problem. Most of the time, there is no rhyme or reason, no life or death situation, no problem that is putting me in this predicament.. there are just feelings.
There are just feelings, and I am just feeling them all at once. All this happens, and then it’s like I pass out. I don’t remember the monsoon of feelings, until the next time I feel them. When you’re in it, it feels like you’re waiting decades to feel sane again, but in reality you’re only gone for a few minutes. You ask yourself if it’s normal for you to feel this way, is it normal to feel so much, just because you didn’t understand a problem on the homework. But that problem on the homework, is like a door that once is opened, is extremely difficult to close. Some days are better, and some days are worse. At the end of they day, they are just days, but I’ve got more where they came from.
Hello my fellow Bro’s! This post was obviously not like my others, but I decided to write about something I frequently have to deal with. These past few months, I’ve realized that I have stoped living life. I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day, and so “I am not living, I am waiting.” I don’t know what I am waiting for, and that is what makes me anxious. I’m dealing with anxiety, and it’s not easy. A lot of people suffer from anxiety on a daily basis, and I can say that I have it better than others. Anxiety is not a joke, and it’s not a word that can be casually thrown around. Be respectful of the word, because anxiety is something that can lead to a lifetime of issues, depression, and more. I hope this post gave you guys some insight to what it feels like to deal with anxiety. I can whole heartedly say that I am blessed, blessed with so much more than I will ever deserve, yet I still suffer from anxiety. It does not make sense, and no one asks for anxiety to become apart of their life, it just happens. So please, respect the word. If you’re reading this, and dealing with anxiety, remember there are more days ahead of you. Not all of them will be good, but they are days. Days for you to try again, to fight for another 24 hours, to realize that the good days will outnumber the bad.
Thanks for reading, please like and share.