Ever since I was a young, I've always felt like I would live a very grand life, and I don't mean in terms of living in a palace and eating caviar with every meal. I've just always felt like I was meant to do something much greater with my life.
I feel like the worlds shittiest person because there are people in the world who are going through things that I cannot even begin to fathom, and would kill for the life I have. Even then, for some reason, I am terrified of continuing to live my very average life. Again, I don't mean "average" in terms of my finances.
As a child I was obsessed with the idea of fame, even when I barely knew what fame even was. I grew up singing and dancing alone in my living room, pretending I had a massive audience cheering me on. I loved playing pretend with my younger cousins because it meant I could play a character that wasn't anything like me. I would write songs, design dresses, make videos, and basically do anything and everything I saw famous people doing.
As I grew up, I realized that I was desperate to be in the spotlight. Not because celebrities had money, or millions of fans, but because it felt like they were doing something exciting with their life. I did not know how I was going to do it , but I knew I wanted to be anything but ordinary. I considered acting, but never found myself attractive enough. I considered singing, but I found my voice to be mediocre. I considered fashion, but was to afraid of what others would say.
Keep in mind all of these thoughts were going through my head as a child, still in elementary school. Even though I was young, I never let myself try anything because of the fear of failing, or the fear being made fun of. I am 20 years old now, and am still facing those same fears. It terrifies me to tell anyone about the big dreams I have for my life, because I know they are going to ask what it is I want to do, and honestly, I still don't know.
With age comes realism, and in my case I became more of a pessimist than a realist. For years, I convinced myself that I was destined to live a very ordinary life. Little did I know that if you want an extraordinary life, you have to make it happen for yourself. After realizing that, I created BROSINBOWTIES. Starting this blog, although may seem like a baby step to many people, was a giant leap for me. Putting myself out there for the whole world to see absolutely terrified me.
After creating my blog, I thought I had done the hard part, and now the fame would just come to me. Unfortunately I was sadly mistaken. Although there are those few people that are extremely lucky and don't have to work that hard for fame, I am not one of them. I did not want to blow up over night, I just wanted steady growth, and followers who were truly interested in my content. I tried my hardest to not have too high of hopes about my blog, but some dreaming is only natural.
Now, almost two years later, I can say that my blog has not flourished the way I hoped it would. I love my blog and the content I create, but unfortunately my blog has hit a plateau, and it rarely increases in following or engagement levels.
My biggest fear, ever since childhood, was the fear of failure. Although some people would not say that I have failed at blogging, I personally do not consider myself successful. However, unlike in the past, this failure is not going to make me quit. I'm not allowing myself to quit. I still do believe that I am destined to live a exciting and extraordinary life, I just need to learn to be okay with the path that will lead me there.
I'll see you guys at the top.